


Finding The Sun

by NoTimeTeen



Category: Victorious
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 16:35:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7581712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoTimeTeen/pseuds/NoTimeTeen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is that even true? I mean, when it's cold is there anyone who has their hands warm, hot? Tori finds out the answer in a rather unusual way through Jade. But the answer was, in reality, just a secondary benefit... Jori. It's somewhere between a smut and a lemon, but not quite either of both. A story that grew from this summary to become a bit more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of Hot Hands and Bad Pranks

"Why are we talking about this, again?"

"Well, Cat said something about being cold, and I—"

"I know, I know," I interrupt irritated. "I mean, why are we _discussing_ it?"

"Just to talk about something, Tori," Cat meows next to me. I have the impulse to say it's stupid, but Cat seems to be really into it, so I just shrug. Cat's eyes remain on my face, expectantly.

"Yeah, Vega. We're talking." Jade looks at me from across the table with those pale-green eyes of hers. "So, answer."

Suppressing the urge to roll my eyes, I shrug again. "I don't know… I guess my hands are usually cold when the weather is cool."

"See? Easy." My eyes roll at Jade. She smirks.

"But isn't it always like that? Cold hands and all?"

"I thought so, too," says Andre to my left, leaning on the table, "but there's this girl I once dated and she was all hot on the hands. And I mean _hot_ , not just warm."

"Kinda weird, I guess." I motion my head at Robbie, who's evidently trying to scoot away from Jade without being noticed. "Hot hands or cold hands?"

"Well, I don't know, I guess cold… Um, cold hands." He shrugs, touches his cheek with his hand and nods. "Cold hands."

"Mine are usually cold," Beck says. Jade's sitting next to him, also slightly farther away than usual. He waves his hand in front of him. "Even when the weather's hot."

"My hands are cold." Cat covers her cheeks with her hands. "And I sometimes wish they weren't, because when I'm on bed I can't rest my face on them because they are so cold, so I have to put them under my pillow to try and get them warm, and they often stay cold so I have to —"

"Okay, we get it," I stop her. "And, um, Jade?"

"What?" Her gaze lifts from her phone and settles on me. Intimidating.

I can feel my cheeks warming up. "Um, your hands…?"

She just chuckles and gets up. "They're out of here."

I blink a couple of times as Jade walks away, because I can swear she winked at me. I'm still wondering if she was trying to avoid the question — which would be stupid, since it was a very simple and foolish question — when the bell rings and I notice the other guys are already walking away from the table as well. Leaving me alone.

"Hey, wait up!"

…

Drinking a whole bottle of water right after the first class, with four whole hours of school left to go, and in one of the few cold days that one can see living here in Los Angeles? _Bad_ idea.

After an hour of dancing on my seat, I almost jump at the teacher's feet to thank him for finally finishing his class. All through which I had to hold back the need to run to the bathroom because, for once in the whole year, the class was actually worth listening. So, instead of doing that I just walk as fast as possible, while still attempting to look normal, to the bathroom. Half walking, half running.

When I finish, as I'm opening the stall, I fall back on the toilet seat. It's not like I'm afraid, but I have to admit I'm trying not to cross my fingers in front of me to keep Jade away as if she was some sort of evil demon. Because she's right there, half sitting on the sink and looking at me with her trademark smirk.

"You done there, Vega?" She pushes herself from the sink and starts towards me, just as I walk forward to wash my hands. Her arms stretch out and she shows me her palms, stopping me in front of her.

I just stand there, not knowing what to do or how to react. I can't even tell what's going on. The only thing I can think about is the fact that Jade and I are alone in this bathroom and that she's acting rather weird. None of this can turn out to be good. I know Jade's up to something, but for some reason — maybe the past experiences or just the fear — I don't do anything.

Jade chuckles quietly in the back of her throat. I'm annoyed now. My mouth opens, but the only thing it can manage is a real smart "Uh…" before Jade's hands weakly spank my cheeks.

"Hot hands or wet hands?" asks Jade. Her palms run over my cheeks again, leaving them even wetter. She turns and leaves, laughing. And I can only curse silently to myself as I dry my face with a paper towel.

I look at myself in the mirror and shake my head. Why do I always let her do stuff like this? It's not as if I'm still hopeful that she'll like me at some point. And I know I've stopped trying. But I thought we had reached a level in our friendship — if you can call it that — where she could do pranks on me as usual — again, if you can call _that_ a prank — without me getting mad. Jade, however, seems to not have liked this stage. And she keeps trying to get me mad. And I, of course, comply.

It's pretty stupid. If I was to say something to her, I'd tell her she's lowered her standards of evilness to unJadish levels. But I guess that would only gain me even worse experiences with her. The truth is she now likes to confuse me, more than to annoy me. She shows up from time to time, in random places like my house, next to my locker or in the bathroom, just to make me think she's acting weird — not really doing anything, just, like, making me think she's not trying to pull a prank on me — and, when she feels I let my guard down, she pulls said prank on me. And it's pretty annoying, which is the worst part.

In other happier/sadder times — depends on the perspective — she used to be more direct: she would just arrive, be mean to me and leave. Now, she makes me think she's not being mean only to be mean without me expecting it. I guess she doesn't want to become predictable? I don't know if I rather this, given that she at least considers me something close to a friend now, but maybe I can get to live with it, if she still comes to my house whenever she feels upset; I guess if that happened there's no way I'd tell her to leave, anyway...

However, I would certainly like to think that Jade and I are now close enough as for me to at least attempt to pull a prank on _her_.

…

Stupid, stupid Tori. Going around thinking _Hey, why don't I do something to annoy Jade?_ I mean, it's not really a bad idea, nor an unfounded idea. But waiting for her to go into the janitor's closet just to put a couple of ice cubes inside her shirt from behind, then run away laughing and screaming "Hot hands or cold backs?" like a crazy girl? _That's_ a bad idea. Now that I think about it, it's kinda obvious that it would've been better to do it outside, in front of everyone—with witnesses. But, well, I know Jade goes in here every couple hours to… I don't know, smoke, I guess, considering the amount of cigarette ends I can see littered on the floor, and I thought I could use it to my advantage. Easy. Go in. Wait for her. Put the ice cubes as she walks in. Run away before she catches me.

The only real problem appeared when I remembered Jade was on detention, and I've spent an hour and a half in here, trying to decide whether or not to wait any longer. Is Jade going to come in here before leaving? I don't think so. Why am I still here? Half an hour ago, I realized Jade had to go through the hall right outside this door to get to her car. So, for the last thirty minutes I've been wondering if it's worth it. I mean, maybe I won't even get to annoy her, maybe she somehow read my mind during Sikowitz's class and expects me to jump on her in the hallway. However, if I _do_ surprise her, it will be a perfect revenge… at least for me, conformist little Tori. It's obvious that I won't have many opportunities to do something like this and that Jade couldn't possibly be expecting me to jump on her this late, when I'm supposed to be at home already, working on my homework…

Is it worth it?

As I'm about to build another response for that question, I _finally_ hear Jade's heavy steps approach outside.

_Okay… here we go._

The sound of her boots against the floor tiles echoes on the walls outside, making Jade's approach ominous. I'm sitting here, in a corner of the janitor's closet, still not completely convinced to do what I'm about to do and with a cupful of ice cubes above me on a shelf.

Jade's steps sound close enough now.

I stand up in a haste, trying to seize the small amount of courage that invades me. However, as I'm getting up I feel something hard hit the top of my head. My butt hits the floor again and, after a loud metal noise from the shelf I almost broke down, the cup falls on my head. Freezing cold water rains on me. My hair, face, shirt and jeans are dripping wet by the time I can scoot away from the disaster. By now my gasps and weak screams have probably resonated all around the hallway outside and beyond, given the school's emptiness.

Cursing at my own foolishness I try to stand up, more carefully now. I'm trembling slightly due to the cold water. I suspect now that my idea of a joke would've turned out to be pretty useless, my wet clothes were enough of a proof. Evidently, no ice cubes had remained frozen by now, so I would've had to drop the whole cup of cold water on Jade.

… _Jade!_

Only now do I realize Jade's footsteps have stopped completely. No sound can be heard from the hallway. Jade seems to have disappeared; either that or she's heard me and intends to scare me as usual. I now start to really tremble, this time from the fear. It doesn't even enter my mind how over-reacting it is to be so frightened of a girl who has never really tried to do anything seriously harmful to me. I mean, yeah, she's been mean to me and all, but whenever she feels she's gone over the line she stops. She's even apologized a couple of times without anyone but me knowing — and with a very predictable and very effective death-threat not to tell anyone about it.

"Vega?" I hate to admit it, but I feel my heart skip a beat at the sound of Jade's amused voice so close to the door. Nothing compared with the way it stops when the shadow of her approaching body appears on the wall opposite me. "Hey, is that you?" The doorknob starts to twist and I start praying I could be anywhere but here. Now I'm just afraid of the embarrassment I'll suffer if I'm found all wet and alone, inside this small room and this late in the afternoon. By Jade, no less.

When the door opens I'm facing the wall, my back to Jade, wishing with all my soul that she somehow overlooks a bright-colored Tori against the dark wall.

"No, I'm not," I answer quietly when I hear the door close and Jade move behind me.

"What are you doing here so late?" She actually sounds curious.

"Well, I…" I sigh loudly, my gaze on a weirdly-shaped dot on the wall. "I was kinda waiting for you."

Jade chuckles. I'm pretty sure she already suspects why I was waiting for her. "Why exactly?"

"I…" I feel myself deflating in a new defeated sigh. "I was going to drop some ice cubes down the back of your shirt…"

"So…" Jade says, obviously smirking. "Should I turn around, or just put myself in front of you?"

"Well..." My forehead rests on the rough wall. "I… It didn't go exactly as planned…"

"How come?"

Sighing, yet again, I turn around, resigned to what's sure to come.

Jade's eyes roam over my body, from a place somewhere below my knees and all the way to my face. Her smirk falls as she contemplates me. I start feeling uncomfortable when her gaze stops for a second longer on my chest, and I feel slightly violated when I realize there's something poking out down there, thanks to the coldness of my moist clothes. Her expression changes slowly. It transforms: goes through her initial smugness, to a slight shock, something close to uncertainty, and finally—inevitably, it seems— it settles on desire. I don't know how I'm able to recognize that expression, or how am I able to unravel it into desire, but I just know that's what it is. I've never seen such a penetrating look in those startling eyes, such a disbelief in the ensemble of her eyebrows and lips.

Her eyes finally reach mine and, even with the light off as it is, I know she's making some sort of request. And I would like to say I don't accept, that I turn back around and wait for her to give up and leave, that I go and push her away then run out that damn door… But I don't do any of those things. I don't accept her request. I send one of my own. Unwillingly… or not so much. I want to think it is, but I feel I'm somehow screaming at her to come closer, to take me in her arms and do… I-don't-know-what to me.

The sound of the lock resonates in the room.

I can hear the beating of my heart as if it was being held right next to my ear, and I think I'm hearing Jade's too.

I try to think of something, _anything_ to say. I open my mouth once. Twice. No sound comes out.

Thrice.

"Hot hands or cold hands?"

It takes Jade a couple of steps to reach me, and longer for me to understand. Before I can stop her she has a hand on my cheek and the other on the back of my head. Her eyes stare into mine for a portion of a second.

She presses her lips into mine.

My eyes close on their own accord and a breath escapes through my nose. An unannounced party starts inside my stomach. I circle Jade's waist with my arms, barely realizing the cool moistness that's still covering them. Her hands move from my head to my neck, then to my shoulders, then to my belly, and I fail to notice the softness of her hands. The only thing I feel is the amazing warmness that accompanies her fingertips as they caress around my navel. I'm not even sure if she's touching my skin directly.

I cannot tell when this fire was first ablaze, or if it even was. I wish I could read Jade's mind and know if she's doing this because she wants to… or even if she were just following some crazy impulse, I'd want to know. Because I'm most likely doing exactly the same. Jade's beautiful, of course. And I'm pretty sure I'll be thankful to her for starting all this. But I've never even thought about our relationship as anything close to what's going on.

Jade's obviously thinking faster than me… or not thinking at all. She has my pants open halfway through the kiss. I feel her hot hands sliding into my panties, and everything I had in my head disappears.

"Fuck, Vega," she whispers, "you're dripping wet!"

She chuckles and caresses me obscenely. A retort dies in my throat.

"Oh, God!"

Jade's almost laughing by now.

"Shit, we should do this more often." I feel her voice on my ear.

"Jade, shut," I can't stop a moan at the middle of the sentence, "the _fuck_ up!"

Her fingers work magic on me, and get me to the highest level of pleasure I've felt in a very long time. I would _love_ to be able to feel this way forever. Jade could ask anything of me right now, make me do any kind of thing. She could make me sing, or dance, or call her anything. She could record me saying that I suck and that I'm a loser and an idiot who can't act or sing at all. And I would do it gladly. She's never seen me in a more vulnerable position since the moment we met. And I'm sure she'll take advantage of this, she's never shown herself as morally above that.

But she just looks surprised. Too stunned to do anything, it seems.

"Shit!"

Green eyes look down on me, wide open. Jade looks so impressed I'm afraid I might've offended her somehow. I'm about to ask her what's wrong when she pulls away.

I know what's gonna happen now. She's gonna leave. She's going to run away from me, from _this_ , and pretend it's never happened. Tomorrow, when we meet, she'll look at me with her spiteful glare and send me away. Say "What're you looking at, Vega? Just keep walking." and just turn around, _knowing_ , trying to forget that _this_ happened. She's going to hate me even more, she'll become completely unbearable to be around. She's finally going to pretend I'm nothing more than a random rodent that has crossed her path. Though, now I'm starting to think I'll play along to her game.

"Stop looking at me like a moron."

Jade's standing in front of me. Not running away, not turning away, not even looking away from me. As I stare at her I see her hands working in unzipping her pants. Her shirt's already on the floor and I blink a couple of times wondering how I didn't notice her undressing in front of me.

"Listen," she says to me, "it's my turn now, okay? And after that, you have to be _good_."

_Holy. Shit._

"Wait, wait, wait!" Now I'm pretty freaked out. _"What?"_

She frowns slightly at my tone. "You didn't think that would go for free, did you?" My face must look fantastically dumb, judging by the surprise and astonishment with which I receive Jade's words. "C'mon, Tori." Even more surprising is Jade's change of tone, to almost one of understanding. "Just… don't think, okay? It's what I'm doing."

I look down at myself. My pants remain lowered at my knees, my shirt looks all shriveled and ridden-up — thanks, Jade! — and I'm sure if I had a mirror at hand and used it to look at my face it would be all red with excitement.

I could be the one to run and forget. For once. Jade, however, could be right. Just stop thinking. This is already running, and Jade's not. She's _inviting_ me. Obscenely, but still… I can't deny what I'm feeling, or what I want to feel again. Jade's looking hot to me for the first time ever, and it isn't a bad thing. It's something new. One of those good changes that you want to hold on to when they happen. And I _do_ want to wrap my hand and mind around this.

Before I can end my line of thought Jade slaps me, turning my attention back to her.

"Stop it!" she says. She lifts my chin with her hand. "Look at me. You want me, don't you?"

"I…" It sounds like a very appropriate thing to say right now. "I'm not sure…"

"Right now, Tori, are you wanting me right _now_?"

She extends her arms at her sides, exposing her middle to me. Offering.

What am I supposed to do? Reject her? I'm feeling like a horny preadolescent and very lucky boy. The few testosterone that runs through my body — and I bet it's running in excess right now, for I'm feeling rather boyish — answers for me.

"I guess."

_"Right!"_

And she's back on me.

_All over me._

I feel her lips on my lips. Her hands on my hips, on my stomach, holding my thighs, moving in an endless and ever-changing fashion. Her body against mine. Her breasts against mine. Her body between my legs. I'm being pushed against the wall again. Jade's even lifting me this time. Her hips are holding me up, making me lose my mind from the pleasuring pressure that's being applied. I moan. And moan. And moan. And she moans into me. At some point before she jumped me she managed to take off her pants, and we can now feel the other through only a few layers of fabric. Our hips grind together. It's a war, a battle. And we're both winning. It's a mindless synchronization that's driving us. As if we fit with the other. And I can't help but wish we could both forget that this is being so intense.

I'm kissing Jade as if I loved her. Mostly, because I'm loving her right now, what she's doing to me, what I'm doing to her. What we're doing together. It's so new to me. And I'm so new at it. So much so, that I question myself if I'm good enough. Jade certainly seems to be agreeing. But I feel almost insecure around her — as usual, of course, but being in this situation surely makes matters different. I mean, is Jade experienced enough that she'll know I'm not good? Is _she_ good at all? Does it even matter?

I suppose I _really_ should just stop thinking…

"Shit, Tori!"

I feel Jade's breath against my neck, and a blush creeping up my cheeks. I must already look like a giant tomato.

Until now my hands had been placed on her hips, unmoving. But as I focus back on what's happening, they start caressing her body, her back, her shoulders and arms. They manage to take off her bra and throw it away. And I feel her naked nipples against mine — when was _my_ bra taken off I cannot tell. My eyes travel downward and I stare at her marvelous breasts.

I lean down to lick and suck and bite. And I feel _so_ dirty. Now I'm never going to be able to feel insulted by a guy's stare again. My actions are as offensive and — as I would call them in _any_ other situation — as brainless as any brainless horny man's. But I cannot help myself. How could I not suddenly become completely comprehensive of men when I have _Jade West's amazing bosom_ in front of me, completely at my disposal.

_"Oh, Jade!"_

She giggles at my… at my brainlessness, I guess. Her hands run over my butt suggestively and I wrap my legs around her. She accelerates her hips' grinding motion to an almost-inhuman level. I continue to moan and moan. Her hands pull at my panties. She's practically begging me to take them off, so I reciprocate. I barely get to lower my legs when she lets go of me. Each goes to their business, and we're both naked by the time I feel her body spread my legs, her hands under my thighs and my feet leaving the floor once more.

There's skin-to-skin contact, and a small tuft of hair that tickles me in a _very_ nice way. Jade's hands skip the reconnaissance stage and go directly to tease my center. Why doesn't she just skip that part as well?

Oh, right. _I'm_ supposed to be doing it for her.

_"…already, Tori!"_

I don't know if she said anything other than that short remnant.

Feeling like a blind kid who's never gone to a park, I slide my hands down her body. My fingers ache to play with her breasts. She sounds too desperate as for me to do it, though, and I don't wanna die just yet. I feel the soft skin of her abdomen. I can't help but love the way she twitches at that. My hands reach that short path of hair, and if I'm dripping with excitement at the situation, then Jade's raining on my hand as I cup her.

A fading whisper of _"Fuck, Tori!"_ escapes her. And I'm proud to declare that her words become senseless in response to my caress. Seems like I have powerful hands.

I feel powerful. I'm locked in a closet with Jade, and she isn't torturing me. Actually, it would be more accurate to say _I'm_ torturing _her_. Her body's writhing desperately thanks to my touch. She's looking so weak, so… _normal_. She's not _the_ Jade West, that mean and untouchable girl she always is. Right now she's just Jade West, the girl who is being pleasured by Tori Vega, her sworn enemy. And from now on that's who she is going to be for me.

"Fuck, _To-ori…_ Please!" Begging—or rather, to be begged for—is not usually my thing… but then again, this is _Jade West!_

As she starts moaning my name time and time again, a little voice starts singing a very irritating, but very alluring tune. _She's single right now. She's single right now. She's single right now._

Whoa, I think, where's that coming from? I mean, of course it's an attractive thought, and a crush was never a discarded theory of my feelings towards Jade. But, us _together?_ No thank you, fine like this. A quiet "We'll discuss it later…" echoes in the back of my head as I refocus my attention on the paleness of Jade's skin.

Her chest is rising and falling with her regaining breathing. Her eyes are still closed. And her face looks incredibly relaxed. She gazes at me slowly, heavy-lidded-ly, and smiles.

"So…" I say after a time, feeling awfully uncomfortable. "Hot hands?" What else was I gonna say?

She actually _giggles_.

"Hot hands."

Our foreheads touch and our lips rub together.

_She's single right now!_


	2. Of Black Holes and Wormtongues

Don't ask me how I remember any of this, because I obviously don't know… Back in my not-Hollywood-Arts' high-school-times I had a very boring Physics class, given by a funny little man who had the ability of making anyone — and I do mean anyone — fall asleep within just a couple of minutes. However, being asleep in his class maybe was a good thing: how else would I remember so much about black holes?

A black hole was supposed to be what a star became when it had too much mass in too small a space; its gravity got so strong that it wouldn't let light rays out of the star's surface, so it became a black void of space, a black hole. Its center became a singularity — or some crazy stuff like that — and it's black surface — its "point of no return" - became an event horizon. After that there was a thoroughly boring theoretical explanation about a black hole's origin in the space-time. And there was an interesting thing that "physicists held", as said by Mr. I-don't-remember-what: for an astronaut to find out what was at the center of the black hole, he would have to travel there, to the singularity.

"But in the center of the black hole," he had said, "the astronaut would find the end of space and time." Now, _that_ 's awfully hard to understand!

He later used a different approach to the subject: he exemplified it with death. When someone dies they're able to see what comes after death. However, with them dead it hardly matters what they're able to find out, because they're no longer alive; so us living beings won't get to know what's on the other side. With singularities it was the same: if an astronaut was to see what happened at the center of a black hole it would be meaningless to us, because we wouldn't get to know what he'd see; and he probably would only find his death, the end of his time.

In other words, it would take an awfully brave astronaut to get to the center of a black hole. You could say he would be heading to a certain death by going there! He wouldn't know what was at the other side of the "point of no return" until he got past it. And after that, nothing would ever be the same.

So… I guess I'm a brave astronaut.

I know it's ominous to compare Jade West with a black hole—or with death for that matter—, but I feel it actually fits. In retrospective, if at some point of my life I had thought of having sex with Jade—and the fact that it was _Jade_ out of all people makes it as impossible as it was— I wouldn't have known what would come later. I mean, right now I'd rather be that brave astronaut: after his "point of no return" he'd already know what's to come.

I don't.

After yesterday—when I passed through what you could call the event horizon—you would think I got a glimpse of what would happen today. But after something like twenty minutes of very passionate and very naked kisses, Jade let go of me and started to get dressed. Impressively enough, it was then that I realized what had happened—I mean, I _obviously_ knew what had happened, but it was at that moment that I realized Jade and I had… you know… and that we had done it in the janitor's closet—at school! Now, it's not as if I had planned any of this, but if I had planned it, I wouldn't have chosen the school to do… _this_ —that is, with anyone _._ Anyway, when Jade had gotten dressed she turned to look at me inquisitively and requested, with her naturally kind tone, "You want me to dress you as well or can I just not give you a lift?" After staring for a few seconds I understood what she meant. I got dressed faster than when I'm late for school. Ten silent minutes later her car pulled up in front of my house. Her eyes remained up front and all I could think of saying was "Bye, Jade".

As I was walking away from her car I heard her say "It was good, Vega". I turned around and saw what I would bet was a teasing smile plastered on her face. And my own face was probably expressing utter surprise and incredibility, because she had the biggest smile I'd seen on her when her car went away.

So, now I'm here on my bed… I gave up on trying to fall asleep after the first three hours; I went on surfing the Internet, but got bored; I tried to read for like ten minutes and got bored again; and I still couldn't fall asleep. Whenever my mind wasn't focused on something, it focused on Jade, and I finally let that consume me a couple hours ago. What will happen at school? Is Jade going to pretend it never happened? Will she use it to torture me? Will she torture me still? Not like I'm hopeful at all, but if Jade finally stopped bullying me because of what happened, then I would consider it completely worth it—though, a hidden part of my head seems to think it was worth it no matter what.

But then again, do I even want her to do anything at all? Yesterday, I was quite uncertain whether or not I'd enjoyed what had happened. When I finally gave up and admitted that I'd liked it, I had to wonder just how much I'd liked it. I mean, was it so good that I wanted to do it again?

I guess you could say I accepted it. Jade's nice… in a twisted, very un-nicely way—nice in a very Jade-ish way. And I definitely have a crush on her. A crush that I seem to be very willing to help evolve into something else. And I sure wouldn't mind at all seeing Jade naked once more… more than once more.

Sometime before the sun starts to shine I manage to fall asleep. It feels like just a couple of minutes, though, because the next thing I'm conscious of is Trina yelling at me to hurry up. I get dressed in a couple of hazy and sleepy minutes, too tired to get in the shower. I hope I'm not looking as sleepless and as showerless as I feel.

"You look terrible," Trina says as she hops in the car. She's smiling, probably thinking that with me looking like this she'll be noticed more—which was going to happen anyway, since she looks like a clown.

"You too, Trina."

"Of course I don't." She winks at me. I huff.

On the way to school I reflex upon the similarities between Jade and a black hole. Jade West sure could be called a singularity, and approaching that singularity, people tends to feel some sort of gravitational force pulling them towards its center—at least _I_ feel that pull. I had never considered what a "point of no return" would be concerning Jade, but I could guess with what happened yesterday that I'm _way_ over that point. About that gravitational force that pulls me to Jade, I'm not completely sure of how long it's been since I feel it, but anyone around me has probably noticed it; it's a good way to explain why I try so hard to be her friend… or her… I don't know anymore…

The truth is I like Jade. Normal people just seems to orbit around her. My spaceship got too close: I got caught in her gravitational field, and have now crossed the point of no return. Physics would say that after getting to the singularity, the only hope for the astronaut would be to find a way to survive in the other side, another galaxy, or another planet, or maybe even both, where he would have no contact with our world. I can only hope my Jade-singularity provides a good alternative life, because I won't have any contact with my past life. There's no way I'm going to forget what happened—and I have a feeling Jade's not going to forget it either.

So, yeah: I _like_ Jade, and I just realized it yesterday.

But it hardly matters. Whatever happens today and after today depends entirely of Jade. If she decides to, like, talk about it and/or accept it, I'll play along; if she decides to ignore it and reject me—meaning, reject me even more—, I'll play along as well. She's always been the one who directs our relationship, who settles limits, who allows me liberties towards her, etc. And I don't really mind.

By the time I'm concluding, I'm already driving into the parking lot. I park. Trina jumps out and leaves. I sit there, alone with myself. Not thinking, not waiting. Not really sure why I'm staying there. I get my phone from my pocket and start playing, just to get my mind off things. There is nothing for me to do other than let things happen.

From the corner of my eyes I see Jade walk by in front of my car. When I look at her it seems as if she'd turned her head away from me, as if she'd been watching me.

The school bell rings.

…

Mind can be a real bitch. It shows you things you don't wanna see, things you don't wanna remember. And it also can show you things you _want_ to see, but which are not necessarily happening.

When I sat to take class everything was normal. My mind had taken a little rest from its thorough exploration of my feelings towards Jade. Jade herself was sitting behind me, two other guys were in the middle. I didn't realize I wasn't paying attention until the teacher said "Miss West, please come here and show us—" I didn't even hear what she was going to show. I turned to look at her and regretted it immediately.

I could see her naked! I was looking at a fully-dressed Jade West and my mind was showing me a completely nude Jade West! What is wrong with me? I could feel her body against mine, the cold janitor's closet's wall against my naked back, Jade's lips against mine. I was driven all the way back yesterday and could see the weird smile Jade gave me when she realized we were having sex!

Jade reached the front of the classroom and turned around. Our gazes connected. The way her cheeks painted slightly red told me she was going through a situation similar to mine. The next few minutes went by, carrying with them a rather odd participation by Jade and a very embarrassing while for myself. Jade seemed to be trying anything not to look at me, but her eyes kept coming back to roam my body from head to toes in a—thankfully—very discreet way. When the teacher told her she could go back to her seat she informed she was going to the restroom instead. Our eyes connected one last time in a clear message from her to me and she left before anyone noticed her deep blush.

All that happened five minutes ago.

Now I'm kind of confused. I waited for a couple minutes after Jade walked out and asked if I could also go to the restroom. Before getting there, however, my mind starts playing with me again. _Did she really look at you before going out?_ it asks me, _weren't you just imagining it?_ That last part is actually reasonable… I mean, I kind of wanted something like that to happen, but maybe it just didn't.

My steps slow down until I'm standing still in the middle of a hallway, staring at the tiled floor beneath my feet.

Maybe I imagined the whole thing! Maybe Jade's cheeks weren't any redder than usual—that is, maybe they weren't red at all. Maybe she didn't look at me once while in front of the class. Maybe she didn't want me to accompany her to the restroom to have some sort of aftermath-ish conversation, as I had evidently believed.

Before I can decide whether I want to run back to class or run into the restroom just turning the next corner, Jade appears to my right and pulls me into the infamous janitor's closet. I hadn't noticed it was there.

"You're weird, you know?" Jade says when the door closes. "You stopped there and stared at the floor for, like, five minutes." Jade _giggles_.

I feel awfully stiff, as if my limbs couldn't move. Jade is smiling at me. Odd. I have no idea what to say, what to do. The only thing I seem to be able to say is "So… what's up?" Jade's eyebrow quirks at that. The confidence she always expresses slips away, the same way it did when I looked into her eyes when she was in front of the class, or when my clothes were all wet and I was standing at this exact spot.

She opens her mouth and mumbles a little "Um…" She looks at the door behind her, seemingly regretting coming in here. "You know, I… I wanted to…" Her head lowers hopelessly.

Who _is_ this Jade? The Jade I know is self-confident and untouchable. Now she's just a human being who has no idea what to say. A human being who isn't just vulnerable, but also within reach.

Some sort of demon pierces into me. My eyes close and my lips press against Jade's. It feels very familiar, as if I'd known the feeling of her lips against mine for a lifetime. Now she is the one whose body stiffens.

My body pushes hers all the way to the wall in front of me. And—oh my God!—her arms circle my waist and she starts kissing me back. I can't believe we're doing this again, and I can't believe _I_ started this.

However, Jade doesn't seem to like that as much. I feel her tongue against my lips and it's quite funny: I don't seem to remember feeling her tongue the last time we… _Anyhow_ , that's rather strange, isn't it? We did all that and I didn't feel her tongue? Maybe it was so good my mind blocked it for some reason. Because right now this is tremendously good!

I don't know if it's normal, or if her tongue actually _is_ that long. And that is amazingly erotic. It feels as if it could reach the edge between my mouth and my throat, and I immediately lose the battle. She somehow flips us around and my arms join at the wrists, her hand pushing them into the wall.

"Jade."

"Shut up!"

"Jade!"

"Shut _the hell_ up!"

I don't realize I'm the one calling her name until the third time I do it.

Mind can be a _bitch_.

She pushes me against the wall angrily, growling in the back of her throat.

"What!" she exclaims.

I wanna tell her nothing's wrong. I want her to keep kissing me until my mom calls me alarmed and tells me she's worried and has been looking for me all afternoon; until Jade herself offers to give me a lift back home like she did yesterday. I want her to stop kissing my lips and start kissing the rest of my face, my neck; I wanna feel her lips on my stomach, her hands cupping my breasts, my crotch.

I wanna tell my mind to go fuck itself, because it's condemning me to do exactly that.

"We have to go back, Jade." At least I can be thankful for sounding so miserable. Jade gazes uncertainly at me, as if she couldn't understand me, as if she had forgotten where we are.

"Shit." She blinks several times, seemingly coming back to reality. She pushes herself away from me. "Shit… You're right, Vega." Jade turns towards the door and starts making her way out. I stay sill.

_Vega?_

"Vega?"

The door's half open when she looks back at me, eyebrow raised. "What?"

"Am I still Vega?"

Jade hesitates. Her mouth open in surprise. She closes the door again. And she's…

…blushing?

"Look," she says, her eyes on my neck. "I… It's just… I kinda call you that because… 'cause…"

I take a couple steps until I'm standing right in front of her. I notice we're almost the same height. Funny I'd never realized it. Her gaze settles on me. Again I'm watching a vulnerable Jade; I like that. I ask her why one last time, just using my eyes.

"I'm the only one who calls you that," she whispers. So, Jade… she's got, she has a…

"You have a _pet-name_ for me?"

"Well… I'd never seen it like that, but if you say so…"

Oh, teasing-Jade is back!

"I _can't_ believe you, Jade!" She just smiles and kisses me slowly, her lips unmoving against mine. I do feel her tongue poke me once, though. She opens the door and looks expectantly at me. _So, chivalry isn't dead yet…_ We walk side by side through the hallway. I'm sort of impressed that her shoulder seems to be bumping against mine quite willingly.

"You know, Vega?"

"What?" I hope I don't sound so freaked out. I'm _not_ freaked out—I'm just halfway there.

"This could be fun."

"What?" Can't I say _any_ thing other than that? Jade doesn't sound like she's teasing me anymore. She sounds as if this was a normal, almost-serious conversation. The sort of conversation I've never had with her.

"You know… you, me… Us." She's rather doubtful, I think. Why? _I_ should be begging _her_. Begging her to tell me I'm not dreaming.

Just yesterday I intended to take revenge on Jade. Now I want her to be my girlfriend.

"Sounds like a plan."

_Oh my God!_

"Yes, it does."

…

"So, honestly, were you looking so tired just because of me?"

"What? No, I…" I sound awfully unsure. "Maybe a bit." Jade looks pointedly at me. "Yeah… yeah, it was because of you," I say as we come out to the parking lot.

There's a hint of what at first guess I'd call regret; it is slightly covered by a smug smile on her face, the one I used to find annoying. Now it makes me smile.

It feels weird to be so comfortable with this nice Jade. I'm still expecting her to say it's a joke. But something tells me that's not going to happen. Something tells me Jade's as happy with this as I am—if not even more: I've never seen her smiling so much.

At first I had no idea how to react. Without any heads-up she came and sat next to me at lunch. Not one mean joke and not one snarky remark; she sat there and actually talked to me. Our friends noticed. They obviously were curious, but as the minutes went on they probably realized we weren't going to explain whatever was going on between us. What's more, they probably realized we weren't paying attention to them at all. Jade has turned out to be a very nice person to talk to. And it sure was flattering to think that Jade was talking and smiling and laughing with me alone. It got me thinking that maybe I was a black hole just as much as her.

Anyway, right now we're leaving after Sikowitz' class, our last class of the day. After the old teacher left through the window Jade made her way from the back of the classroom and stood next to my bench, waiting for me to finish packing my stuff.

"So… About today…" I say. "Got any plans?" I feel awfully unconfident and am blushing redder than a tomato. I have no idea why would she agree to go anywhere with me.

"Not at all." And she's still smiling!

I wanna dance and jump all the way to my car, leave Trina to walk home, and go catch a movie with this girl, have some dinner at Nozu and kiss her goodbye in front of her house. It's amazing we're… Whatever it is we are… I don't wanna ask her about that because—Well, I really doubt _any_ one would wonder why I haven't asked her. But I'm as happy as can be.

"I want you to sleep tonight, though, so you can't have plans either."

Leave it to Jade to pinch and deflate my balloon of happiness…

"Oh," I say, feeling my own chest deflating. "Okay… I'll be seeing you, then."

I start towards my car with my head bent. I'd like to say Jade's cruel, but she really sounded as if she wanted me to sleep well. Is that ridiculous? Maybe she actually regretted… what, making me so anxious that I couldn't sleep all night? I don't know, maybe she _is_ just trying to bully me in a newer, crueler way, after all…

"What are you doing?"

I turn around slowly, surprised. "W-uh…" is all I'm able to pronounce.

"You're coming home with me, didn't you guess?"

Yeah… Now I actually jump.

I keep myself from kissing her right there in front of her car. But I hug her full of joy. And I press her tight against my body; and I love the way she tenses, it makes her cute. When I push myself away I'm hoping I haven't gone over some unmentioned line. Are we close enough as for us to hug? It's almost pathetic: I hug Cat all the time and nothing seems strange; I give Jade a hug and am afraid she's gonna punch me in the face. And thankfully she doesn't. She puts her hands on my shoulders and pushes me gently, blushing madly while looking around with a small smile. No one noticed. She gets into her car and waits for me to throw my keys at Trina, who is standing next to our car some six yards away. Ignoring my sister's screeching, I walk round the car and get on it, next to Jade. She starts the engine and within minutes we're driving away from school.

Jade remains silent for a few blocks and I just don't know if I screwed up or if she's doing it on purpose because she knows how anxious I'll get.

"Are we going to discuss limits?"

She chuckles at that. "No. What are you talking about?" Jade turns her head to look at me and her smile widens. "About the hug?" I nod. "Hey, it's okay… I mean, it's weird, but it's soon." The car slows down until it stops at a side of the road and she shifts sideways to gaze at me more directly. "In any case, let's discuss who's going to know about…"-her hands motion from me to her and the other way around-"… _us._ "

"Uh…" What am I supposed to say? I don't even know if we're something. Are we something? Are we going to be _something_ at all? "What _are_ we?" It comes out before I can stop it.

I don't know if I was expecting some sort of reaction from Jade. And she doesn't precisely react in any way. My question makes her thoughtful.

"Well…" she says after a short silence. And then, very slowly, she whispers, "What do you want us to be?"

Again: _Oh my God!_

"I mean, I won't tell you to be my girlfriend because I'm not yet sure I want you to, but I won't tell you I don't want to because I'm not sure I won't want to… eventually." I stare at Jade open-mouthed. If I'm not wrong—and I'm begging to all the gods I know that I'm not wrong—, I'm looking at a new planet where to live in. It looks similar enough to our very lovely earth; it seems warm and very habitable. But I can't dwell so much on that: I realize it should be my turn to talk. Seeing how nervous she is, I decide to send the matter away for now.

"Maybe we should explore our options first?"

Jade smiles widely at me and gets out of the car. "C'mon, Tor," she says before closing the door. I get out. I didn't notice we were in front of her house until now. I reach Jade when she's getting inside, holding the door for me to go through it. Without a single word she guides me upstairs to her room. The place sounds like it's empty. _Mmmh,_ I hear inside my head, _I guess we're not about to do our homework…_ I don't need to hear a confirmation to know what we came here to do. My stomach knows it too and it starts bubbling either out of fear or out of eagerness.

Jade's opening the last door of a hallway I barely realized we were crossing. I give the room less than a look by the time Jade has me against her door. Her hands are on the sides of my head. Her lips are kissing mine.

_And here we go again._

Jade doesn't lose time. She turns us around and throws me to her bed. When she straddles my hips I'm almost crying of joy. She undresses in a haste and has me topless faster than I can tell her to stop. But then again, why the hell would I want her to stop? Upon seeing my polka-dotted bra Jade releases a laugh.

"You should give that back to Cat, you know?"

I can't make myself think of Cat when I have a gloriously-naked Jade West on my lap. I take it off myself and wipe that smirk from her face. My hands take Jade's head by the nape and I pull her downwards to kiss her passionately. And I really—and yet again— _cannot_ believe that Jade's tongue feels so long inside my mouth. I need to remember asking her whether or not she can touch her nose with it. Being in this situation—clearly, Jade being naked and all over me— and with that _thing—tongue—_ in my mouth I can't help but wish she intends to show me just how far inside me she can reach. And I also can't help blushing at the mere thought. And now I'm salivating… in more than one place.

"Shit, Vega! You look so hot right now…" says Jade, looking rather… hungry?

Her lips glue to mine for a short moment, and then they start downwards. They kiss my chin and my neck. And they spend a while on my breasts. They kiss my nipples, and they bite them as well. Jade's hands roam my body: they run all over my thighs, all the way to my stomach, and they cup my breasts suggestively. I'm squirming, looking for something where to grind my center at. My back arches into and away from the mattress beneath me, up and down, trying to stimulate Jade's hyperactive mouth to kiss me and suck me and lick me further. I want her to take my pants off, I want to feel her naked skin against mine once again. And I don't lose time in telling her that…

—or at least, in trying to.

"Jade, Ja— _Fuck!_ Jade, please! I want to… I wanna…"

"What?" Jade says. "What do you want?"

 _Fuck!_ What is she doing to me?

Since obviously I'm not gonna be able to connect more than a couple words I just tell her "You!" Thankfully, that seems to be enough.

I probably black out from the sexual frustration that was building up within me, because the next thing I know is that I'm naked and with my legs hanging in the air. My hips are now on the edge of Jade's bed, and she's kneeling in front of me with her face still buried in the valley between my breasts. Her own bosom feels amazingly firm against my stomach, and her arms tight and strong around my waist. For a second I'm able to wonder if my body is being over-sensitive. But I can't think about that for too long, because Jade answers my question for me. Her long tongue—and now I'm actually _watching_ it work— slides across my stomach, pausing for just a second to play with my navel. And it keeps going. Her teeth somehow pull open the button of my jeans. A hand pulls down the zipper. And Jade tugs them off my legs.

I can only hope that the reason why I'm now completely naked is that she tugged my panties along with the pants, because I'm pretty sure I remember putting on my undergarments before choosing my jeans; and it would be awfully embarrassing—and even a bit worrying—to think I had imagined that.

As soon as her tongue attacks me, I feel like I'm losing my mind. My hands tense on the sheets beneath me. My toes and feet press painfully against the rug on the floor. My eyelids close tightly. A moan escapes my mouth, making my throat tremble.

Meanwhile, Jade's tongue is reaching me in places I didn't know were in me. It's twisting and twirling. It's drawing sketches and writing stories inside me. Her warm breath soaks my center and stimulates my clitoris; I feel her nose scratching me there, too. Her fingers caress my chest and stomach. She's really paying attention to me. She's paying attention to a _lot_ of details. I wanna open my eyes and find out if she's grown another couple of arms—though, it seems I'm not able to. There's no way she can do _all that_ at once. For some reason she moans into me. And that makes me convulse as if I was having some attack.

"Shit, Vega, what's with you." I feel more than hear Jade, and wanna trap her head with my legs.

 _Oh,_ I think _, just wait till it's_ my _turn… You're gonna_ regret _having teased me._ I can't help but wondering where is that coming from.

Chuckling, she adds, "I'm barely doing _any_ thing to you." I don't know if she's threatening me, mocking me, or trying to show me what's to come, what she's able to do. My whole body trembles in anticipation. If Jade was to make me beg to let me come, she would get everything she'd ask out of me. But she doesn't. My eyes open for just a second after Jade spoke. And her eyes stare into mine. Our bodies stop. My chest is rising and falling, Jade's nose keeps tickling my mound. I open my mouth to beg.

Before I can make any sound, though, Jade's on me again. Her eyes remain looking into mine. I start moaning, feeling her gaze on my chin as my head tilts backward with pleasure. My body tenses: I feel my hands and my feet clamping, my breath escapes me and my back arches forwards by itself. I press Jade's face forcefully against me and I'm surprised to find her eyes still staring at me. A minute later—that feels as long as an eternity— my body stops convulsing and my hands cup Jade's moist face. I blush when I realize what's that that covers her face.

But I don't care: I kiss her. And she kisses me back.

And I know then that for as long as I'm able to kiss Jade like this—not necessarily with my cream covering her face— I'm gonna feel happy, as happy as I'm feeling right now. As happy as I've felt ever since the moment Jade came and sat next to me at lunch just because she wanted to; as happy as I've felt since she left me in front of my house yesterday. Because I now know that that feeling, that uncertainty I felt, the one that kept me from sleeping last night, was some sort of sleeping happiness; which only Jade could awake.

And that she did.

I don't know if Jade's gonna want me as her girlfriend, I don't know if I'm gonna want her as such… I don't even know if we're gonna be something the moment I leave Jade's house. But I couldn't care less right now. It turns out I cannot think about anything other than the fact that Jade's climbing up my body, dragging her lips along my stomach, my breasts and my neck. She pushes me back up to the center of the bed and lies on top of me.

But she doesn't stop there. Her lips kiss mine for a couple of minutes. She looks at me, and I can almost swear that what's in her eyes is tenderness; though, that sounds awfully unbelievable… She resumes her climbing and I feel a wet path being drawn across my stomach as her hips—and her wet strip of pubic hair— presses against it. And she keeps moving. Until I'm seeing her face from beneath her hips. The part of her body that's closer to me—almost touching my lips— seems to be dripping wet, and what it makes me feel confuses me. It's obvious I can't call it beautiful, but the way it smells and what it means to us excites my mind in a way I can't understand, it makes me hot in very embarrassing places, and it makes me wanna taste…

And that I do.

"Oh, my _fucking_ God!" moans Jade. Her hands cover my forehead and it's more a caress than a desperate push, like mine probably was… She keeps moaning loudly. Her hips gyrate obscenely on my face; now, I'm probably wetter than Jade herself.

"Fuck, Jade! You're amazing!" I say against her. And she seems to like it, judging by the way she presses down on my face. The pain I feel on my nose is absolutely worth it.

I twist my tongue in her. I push it in and pull it out. I lick all around. With my lips and teeth I take a soft hold on her hard nub, running my tongue on it back and forth. My arms are grasping her thighs; my hands are holding Jade's lips open. Her nectar runs down her inner-thighs, though most of it falls on my invading muscle and provides a strong, salty taste. My nose is numb all over from her hips' constant pressure. My chin feels moist, and very hot as well. My throat keeps vibrating with passing moans and Jade's body keeps trembling with pleasure: with the pleasure I'm providing.

Her eyes gaze heavy-liddedly down at me. Her face is framed by the impressively pronounced mounts that are her breasts. I watch her as my hands caress their way up her torso and cup her chest. I watch the way her eyelids finally blind her momentarily, the way her mouth gapes slowly. I watch the vibrations of her throat as a breathless gasp battles past her pink lips. I watch and feel as her chest pushes into my hands with her arching back. And I watch—and can't help but love— my own hands close and squeeze Jade's bosom.

"Oh, Tori!" she wails, and her voice sounds almost-worryingly soft. "How are you _so good_ at that?"

With that she finally releases her cream, washing my face with it. As she convulses her body shifts and her hands pull my head out from under her hips. And her lips kiss mine tenderly. So, _so_ softly… Her arms hug my body and I feel her hot body pin me against her bed.

Before I'm able to assimilate what's happening, Jade's face is buried in my neck. But she's not kissing me, or breathing in my scent, as I had thought she would after all that's been done here. No. She's unmoving. She's paralyzed. She's not even breathing I think.

"Vega?" she whispers.

"Yeah?" I answer uncertainly. What exactly is going on?

"What was that?"

"I… I don't… What do you mean, Jade?"

"What do I…? You're at my house, on my bed! Naked and with me!" She's still talking into my collarbone. Her breathing's accelerating against my skin. But her arms are still tight around me, and her hands are still caressing my back. "What does this mean?"

Her voice sounds so normal. Not the way it sounded since I first saw her in front of the classroom all those hours ago; not the way it sounded when she came and sat with me, and talked to me. It sounds the same way it did yesterday, when she was teasing me for my disastrous attempt of a prank; the way it sounded every time she's teased me and bullied me since the moment I met her. But that's not it. There's seems to be a certain edge to her voice… unknown to me inside the background of Jade's voice, unheard of. And I could almost swear Jade's… _scared_.

How could I ignore it? Now that I'm thinking about it, Jade did seem tired when I saw her pass by in front of my car when the day started; she did seem surprised—and even ashamed— when we had that silent exchange in the classroom. And she definitely seemed uncertain for a second when I asked her if we were something.

Jade's been as troubled by all this as I have, if not even more.

And for the first time I wonder: Why did Jade kiss me in the first place? What made her come closer and press her body against mine when she saw me, dripping wet and inside the janitor's closet? Why was it that her expression changed so suddenly and so extremely as her eyes ran over my body?

And—again, for the first time— I wonder: What if Jade feels for me what I feel for her? I mean, whatever _that_ is… Maybe Jade's as affected by me as I'm affected by her!

Now, that is a flattering thought—not to mention relieving and motivating.

"I don't know." I come back to reality, hoping I didn't leave her hanging for too long. "I don't know," I whisper, with my lips softly caressing her shoulder.

"I… I'm tired of this, Tori. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of seeing you every day and not knowing why my chest deflates of its confidence, why my stomach starts to ache; why I feel like I should make you hate me. I'm tired of feeling bad for making you hate me… Tired of wondering whether I want you to hate me or… Or what?"

I don't speak.

Her lips open and press for just a second against my collarbone. Her breathing is warm against my skin, but it still gives me goosebumps.

"I don't know what's going on, Tori. But I'm willing to find out. And I don't give a shit how weird it will look if I don't insult you anymore. I don't give a shit if it ruins my reputation. I want to learn things about you. I want to learn how to look at you without feeling doubts. I want to be able to look into your eyes the next time I drop some cheesy shit like this."

I'm sort of uncertain, but know what to do. I shift our bodies until I'm looking at her with my hands cupping her cheeks. I'm desperately hoping I don't have my face covered in tears, because I don't wanna freak her out right after all _that_. And I kiss her, just as I finally start assimilating what's going on.

I got too close to this black hole—that I named _Jade One_ —. It pulled me in until I went right through the "point of no return". Somehow, I got swallowed by a wormhole and got across space without realizing it, and without knowing where I had gotten to. I came out in an unknown galaxy, with lots of habitable planets. Now, I've settled down on one. I don't know if I'll live here forever, or if I'll leave after a while. Maybe living here will end up killing me. But as for now, it looks like a very fine place to live in. And so, I'm sticking a sign, pronouncing this planet as my actual home, and naming it _Jade_.

After all, Jade wasn't a black hole, it seems.


	3. She'll Follow the Sun. (a.k.a. The Transitory Interlude.)

"Have you ever thought about what you'll do after we graduate?"

"No… Should I have?"

"Well… I don't know, Jade. _I_ have."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Mmmh."

"…"

"…"

"Um… Don't you want me to tell you about it?"

"Not particularly, no."

"Oh…" _Sigh._

"Oh-kay, if you're going to cry about it then tell me."

"I'm not crying!"

"Then don't tell me…"

"No, no. I wanna."

"I know _you_ , Tor. Go ahead."

"Well, you know I never was an actress or a singer or anything, so I'd always dreamed of going to college and becoming… I don't know… I guess I'd never thought about _that_ … But then I got here. You surely remember how confusing it was. I'm still not so sure about all this… I feel as if I was born for it, though, acting and singing and all. I feel this is the right path. And now I dream of, like, acting… Act in random plays and random movies and random TV shows… Or to sing wherever. I guess it'll be interesting, you know? To finally be 'free'. To do what you want and what you care about… With the one you care about…"

"What does that mean?"

"What?"

"You know exactly what: that… _look_ you just gave me. What does it mean?"

"I don't know what _'look'_ you're talking about."

"Tori. We can spend the next couple hours debating about the way you _'look'_ at people and stuff or we could kill the matter and… I don't know. Do _something_ else—"

"Okay, okay!"

"…"

"…"

"So… You telling me about it or…?"

"Oh, right. I… Well, you know… I just… Well, first of all you can't blame me, okay? I can't have been the first one who did this. Besides, you know me, so you should've expected something like this was gonna happen at some point. And it's only fair: I mean, we've… _dated_ for over a couple of weeks now, and it's going well enough… I mean, as far as I know, right? _Right?_ So, maybe we should've talked about—"

"Vega."

"…yeah…?"

"You're just mumbling."

"I know. I just… you know. I've been _thinking_. I've been thinking about the… _'future'_."

"Um… Okay. What future?"

" _Ours._ "

"…"

"…"

"I thought we weren't official. We agreed to that."

"And I remember. Believe me, I remember. I remember that we're not 'official' and that we're _exclusive_. And, Jade, _you know me_. So, you seriously couldn't expect me to just… not want something else."

"…"

"I hope you're not, like, freaked out, or anything."

"Well, you said it: I _know_ you."

"Look, I don't want this to become one of those conversations where we discuss whether or not we're… _something_. We've already discussed it, and we've agreed upon all this. We're not girlfriends _yet_ , but we're—"

"…more than friends. I know, Tori, _I_ 'm the one who proposed it… So, what's your point?"

"I just don't want to be that girl…"

" _That_ girl? The one who always over-thinks and who is always thinking she said something she shouldn't have said? Or the one who is always nervous thinking she has made a mistake by talking too much, the one who _does_ talk a lot more than she should but that usually doesn't make any mistake because she is always expected to do so and to freak out at whatever it is she said by whomever it is she is talking to? Because you're being exactly that girl right now, Tori."

"I know."

"Hey, we're dating, Tori. It's alright."

"Right. And…"

"What?"

"Have you?"

"Have I what?"

"Thought about _our_ future?"

"Oh, that… Well, I guess I have… in a way. I just have thought about places where we would be going to and stuff."

"Like what?"

"Well…" _Shrug._ "I imagined us at the beach. And I think it's funny we haven't gone there yet. I pictured us taking the sun in the afternoon, lying down next to each other… Talking, and joking. Our usual thing, you know? Or at some cabin at the middle of the forest. Waking up to rays of sun filtering through the window, painted green with the trees; swim in a cold lake and play around… It's awfully cheesy. Sounds more like the kind of things you would say. Funny, what you said sounds more like the sort of thing _I_ would say; the movies and the singing, I mean."

"I guess it's messing us up…"

"Huh?"

"Dating. I mean… My mom's asked me if I feel well a couple of times lately. As if… as if I wasn't being my usual self. And I sometimes don't feel like myself… Like, sometimes I think back to the times when you were always bullying me, and it's as if you were someone else, as if I was someone else."

"I guess… It was weird at first, wasn't it? I was getting to know you, the real you: _Tori Vega_. It was like that for just the first couple of days, of course, but still, I guess I like- _liked_ you then; more than just physically, I mean."

"But I've always been pretty _public_! It's not as if you didn't know me before that…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Okay, that didn't sound as I'd planned it."

_Just some chuckles._

"You're making fun of me!"

"You kidding? I could never make fun of you..."

"' _I make fun of myself on my own._ ' I know. You're _so_ predictable, West."

"…"

"You know what I meant: not public like _public_ , public like everybody-knows-how-I-act."

"I did understand."

"Oh, Okay."

"…"

"You were saying?"

"Noth'n."

"Oh, you were! You were saying you 'like- _liked_ me' then."

"You just want me to say it again."

"Yes, please."

 _Sigh_. "You already know, Tor. All those first talks… I guess I started feeling more confident around you… I started to like hanging out with you. And I can't deny I love your naked body against mine."

 _Huff._ "You're a perv…"

"Look who's talking."

"Me! You started it all! Don't you remember? You practically _assailed_ my innocence!"

"Oh, c'mon, you barely had anything left."

"Just accept _you_ 're the perv."

"Oh-kay, as long as we're as physical as we are…"

"How do you manage to get us to talk about this every single time…?"

"You might not notice it, but you are the one who always drives us to sexual conversations. Which makes me wonder: what would Freud make of that?"

"Oh, shut up."

_Some more chuckles._

"…"

_A sigh. Cuddling further together on the isolated grass. Room enough to look at each other's eyes._

"Hey, you never answered my question."

 _Hesitation_. "Of course I did."

"No, you answered _a_ question, not _the_ question."

"Hey, it's not my fault you divert my attention so extremely, Tori."

"Oh, so you're avoiding it…"

"Am not. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Why won't you answer? Is your answer really that bad?"

"…"

"Then, again: have you ever thought about what you'll do after we graduate? I mean, what kind of things have you thought about as for it to be the kind of thing you wouldn't tell the person you're dating?"

"…"

"Stop pouting like that. I'll ask until you answer."

" _Shit…_ Oh-kay. It's nothing, really. Honestly, I barely think of the future at all…"

"Then why didn't you just say that?"

"'Cause… It's not that simple, Tori. I never really think of what I _will_ do. I just follow the Sun."

"You… just follow—?"

"The Sun, yeah. I just wait for things to happen… Whenever they don't I don't dwell, I just turn away. Look for the next step. I don't expect life will give me everything; and if it doesn't look like whatever's coming is coming soon, I prefer to search an alternative… Put myself somewhere else. You have no idea how much I tried at school. When I was younger, I mean. I hoped I could understand maths and all, eventually. It never came. As soon as I knew about acting schools I begged the parents to put me there. But it never looked as promising as I evidently wanted it, so I went for the singing. It looks a bit better, sure, but it's been years. Then… well, I've always loved reading… I read every thing I can. So, now I'm going for the writing, and it feels better." _Shrug._ "I don't know what I will be doing when we graduate. I don't know what I will do later."

"…"

"…"

"So… When things appear to be slow you just… _leave_?"

"Indeed. So far, at least." _A deep gaze, way more expressive than whatever's been seen by the other girl coming from those usually-cold eyes._

"…"

"…"

"Don't you ever think of how much you leave behind?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know… Whenever you take a step you're tracing your whole life… Changing your path doesn't make you think about all that stuff that could've happened but that won't because you changed your mind?"

"…"

"Jade?"

"I don't know, Tori… I'm just not the kind of person who thinks so much of what won't happen, you know?"


	4. "Is this love, babe...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be honest. I'd forgotten this story was still incomplete in this profile. Anyway, today I publish the last chapters. I hope you like them if you hadn't already read them.

"I'm so, _so_ sorry, Vega. Please open the door."

This is the first time I feel _so_ utterly sorry for being a total Jade West to Tori. At first it was weird to knock time and time again on her door. Not to mention that her parents are downstairs and her horrible sister is next door, coming out and sneering at me from time to time as the minutes pass. She probably isn't inside, she is somewhere else, avoiding me, making fun of me because she got tipped by her parents that I had shown up at their doorstep with a stupidly shy smile and a lot of apologizes stuck in my throat.

"I think I heard her crying some time ago…" _Stupid Trina._

Oh-kay, so she _is_ inside.

My fist hits the wood twice more. _Thud, thud_. "Tori, open _up_!"

I'm about to give up and leave. Just _"Fuck it"_ -it and leave her silently crying on her bed. But then I think "I'm not _that_ Jade anymore, not with Tori." And for a second I wonder if I have quit calling her Vega to my insides forever.

This is not me. Tori knows me now. I know Tori now. That's how I knew she would be sad when I woke up late this morning; that's how I know it _is_ my fault that she is angry, or sad, or however it is that she is feeling inside there. I apologize another couple of times. I no longer mind that her family hears what I'm saying; I'm considering going to the parents for help. _That_ is how desperate I am for showing her I regret staying up so late last night.

It might sound over-reacted: I left Tori hanging, and didn't even come to pick her up when I said I would, and I didn't even call her to explain; and now Tori is locked up inside her room, denying my entrance and ignoring my late arrival amazingly well. It _is_ over-reacted. But she _is_ Tori Vega, after all… And I have been dating her for long enough. I should have known. I should have told Mom to wake me before she left for work, not even caring if that was at seven freaking o'clock in the morning. Because I knew this would happen.

But… I don't know. On my way to her house I immersed myself in a sort of inner-exploration. There was just this _itch_ inside me. That kind of thing you feel when you know that you're being bad; what I used to feel when I made fun of Tori—she was _Vega_ then— and that I thought I would feel no more. And I had to wonder: is it just _me_? Am _I_ the one who provokes it? I am sure I always knew this would happen, or at least suspected it. I remember: when the clock beside my bed finally lost all numbers but the zeros I thought "It's late…" and it was then that I decided to watch that old, senseless and stupid movie I now think I dislike; and two hours later I dared to get up and put it slowly in its place, and I then dared to go to the bathroom; and _yet_ I dared to take my phone and lay for a while reading a book that though I know is terrific I now think I will stop reading until all is well with Tori.

So, I can't give up.

I _do_ give up on knocking on her door, though. Instead, I make my way down the stairs.

"Hey! G'day, Mrs Vega." I feel awfully odd smiling nicely at the lady. "Is there another way to get into Tori's room?"

She gazes nicely at me. _"That's how you should treat my daughter,"_ she seems to be saying; happily. "Well, you could wait here for a second." She goes up the stairs.

I hate being nervous about anything, it makes it feel as if the woman needed half an hour; only to come back and announce "I unlocked her door." Smiling more sincerely than just politely this time I walk up the stairs. "She probably didn't hear, so don't scare her," she whispers. There's that nice smile again. I can only guess what must be crossing through that brown head of hers: _"Oh, the girl, she looks_ so _cute."_ or something like that, considering the woman gave birth to the girl I'm trying to apologize to… _Oh, right._ I nod thankfully.

 _One, two, three_ , I count. My suddenly agitated breath slows to match the rhythm.

Knocking again, I apologize loudly as the door opens, as to let her know I managed to break right in.

I doubt there's a way to express the relief I feel when I notice her eyes are closed. It _is_ good to know that my knocking on her door and my apologizing was soft enough that she slept through it; but embarrassing to know that everyone else in the household witnessed my self-humiliation but for the one that was supposed to hear it.

"Hey, Tor." I place my hand upon her shoulder and squeeze softly. Sighing, she turns around on her right side; her back is facing me now.

"She's not a morning person."

I look back at the door and smile at the Vega family's faces, which are peering one behind the other. Who first startled me was the mom, it seems, for her smile is almost playful, while the other two are holding back their silent laughter.

"And I think she barely slept at all," says he.

Is Trina who last stops her stupid giggling. "You should've seen her face when she came out from her shower," she mutters. "I thought she'd fall down in her sleep."

The door closes and I hear no more.

And I sit on the floor, leaning my back to the corner to keep the door closed for a bit longer.

It's strange how you can suffer from the pressure of something that will happen, how you suffer with anticipation; but when the time comes you realize how stupid it was of you… Sitting there, silent, I feel almost sorry for myself for a short while. And yet, I can't help but love the fact that Tori is sleeping. Her slow breathing relaxes me. I decide I will let her sleep for a while; and I consider sleeping for a while myself.

But I'm… restless. So much, indeed, that after a few minutes I'm introspecting my mind again. It feels as if I did this way too often lately; all the self-conscious thinking, I mean… I used to be so confident, so self-assured… I was so wrapped up in myself… I still am, of course; but now I'm rather more careful with all that I do and/or say; especially if I'm with or close to Tori. Habits don't disappear so easily; I found out the hard way: I'm still unable to stop my now-playful-but-still-unintentional making fun of Tori. But they can be born quite quickly: apologizing to Tori was the least common thing I ever could claim to do, and that stopped being valid after the first week of dating her. Now I proudly admit that I tell her I'm sorry about something I said around two or three times a day. And it doesn't hurt; and that's relieving. Bullying her, on the other side, _hurts_ ; both her and me. I hate realizing I said something wrong by looking at her suspicious expression. It's as if she were always wary; as if every time something slips she suspects I'm about to tell her "This is what it always was, Vega, a way to mess you up more effectively". And it is almost insulting to think she doesn't trust me yet. _Almost_ , though.

How could I ask her to not be like that when I still tease her maliciously? I have questioned that to myself for the whole week, every morning. Because every morning some old or new often-overlooked fact jumps in front of me; and most of them have something to do with the way I treat Tori. At first they were mostly physical; stuff like _"You should be more tender when you're alone with her"_ or _"You shouldn't treat her as if she was just a piece of meat when you have sex with her"_ or _"You shouldn't hold back so much when you want to kiss her"_ ; and mostly I successfully worked out ways to correct such behaviors, as much for my sake as for Tori's. But after a time they were harder to correct; for they were different problems: now they were details against my personality, they wanted to dissolve _Jade West_ herself!

_"You have to be nicer, to dress with nice colors and say nice things and send nice morning messages to Tori and stop teasing her and take her to nicer places and kiss her in a nicer, softer, tenderer fashion, and look at her in a nicer way, so that she doesn't feel like she is just another girl, another temporary couple for Jade West."_

…Does _that_ sound Jade-West-ish?

I'm scared, and I feel like I'm going crazy. The idea of changing so deeply had never occurred to me. Dating Beck was way simpler: I never found myself doubting about the way I acted; it was too easy to just blame him, instead. But Tori is so… _perfect_. I don't think she has ever said _any_ thing that is out of place—mostly because all that she says that can be considered out of place is excused by her Tori-ish—i.e., almost Cat-ish—behavior. So, _I_ 'm to blame when she gets upset. And that should mean that it is _me_ who has to change something.

Shit, it is hard being Beck…

Half an hour goes by, and I'm still looking at Tori sleep.

She once said something about our dating "messing us up", and I _have_ to hope all this thoughts and all this feelings are caused by my spending so much time with Tori. Because if they aren't caused by that, then it means I'm _really_ starting to like Tori. It's troublesome… What I feel for her seems to be close to… _love_. And if it is love—and I think that scares me more than anything right now—it would mean I never loved Beck, even if I was sure it _was_ love; for what I'm feeling right now, as I look upon Tori's nape and think back on all those times she has made me smile without having the need of even heeding me while doing so, is totally different to whatever I ever felt while being with Beck; though, I don't think I could describe just _how_ is it different.

Outside, through the window, I can distinguish the blue sky, getting bluer by the time.

Tori stirs in her sleep and lifts her head slowly. Half-asleep, evidently, she looks around and finds me staring blankly out the window from my uncomfortable position, still deep in thought.

"H-hello," she yawns through her hand. "You're late." Her body rises and shifts until she's facing me in a sitting position.

"I have waited for you for like an hour, you know?"

"I waited longer lying here."

I stand up and remain leaning on the door. My hands are looking strangely interesting right now. My voice is reticent to obey my will; and indeed I just manage to make it come out as a hoarse whisper.

"Yeah… I'm sorry, Tori. I _really_ am."

Our gazes meet; and Tori smiles happily. "You're here," she says. "Let's go."

And the short time I have to wait for her to gather her purse and coat I spend lamenting that Tori considers my being here as enough an apologize. It was truly sincere; and Tori has always been skilled at reading my emotions and intentions… or so I could guess. That portion of a second during which she observed me, though, as if pondering whether or not I was sorry or just looking for an easy escape, is a common situation between us. In other words—and going back to what's above about Tori's constant wariness at my accidental but incidental bullying—, Tori is still trying to understand me.

"You girls going out?" her mother asks when we already are halfway through their front door.

"Oh!" Tori answers. "Morning, guys. We're going…" she hesitates.

"We're going for lunch," I complete. _"…to the movies"_ was the original answer, but because of the situation I decided to change our plans.

"Right! See you guys later." She waves at her mother, father and sister, who are watching us from the kitchen table, and drags me out by the hand.

"Where do you want to eat?"

"Let's go to the beach."

…

"How did you convince me to get us here without even having swimsuits with us?"

"It was actually easy," she answers beaming at me.

"I already apologized, Tori, why burn me alive under the Sun?"

"That's right: Sun can burn."

I just wish she wasn't thinking back to some previous, supposedly-forgotten conversation while saying that. I wait for her to regret it.

"I didn't tell you to use so much black, right?" And it does sound sort of apologetic.

"You're mean," I tell her, thoughtfully. "If I didn't know you—and I might not know you that well—, I'd say you manipulated me so that I came all black today… Just yesterday you mentioned you liked how white I looked in black."

"I don't remember." She avoids my inquisitive gaze, though. I ignore it and look ahead.

"We came 'cause I thought we would buy some ice cream and sit in the shadow somewhere…"

For a while she stops talking. As we walk hand-in-hand along the stretch of yellowish sand people walk by us; girls giggling excitedly, and boys following as hunters behind a group of deer; children and their respective parents who battle against the kids' tantrums; and couples, lots of couples. Tori's hand sweats and I just know what is about to come. "I don't like that," she whispers finally.

I think I followed her thoughts accurately. "It doesn't burn _me_ , Tor. I don't _go_ to the Sun, I follow it."

"Where does that even _come_ from?"

"It's from a song," I answer simply. "You should know if you're dating me…"

"Oh, should I?" I like and enjoy that she's so annoyed by it. "I don't get it… How you make a song your philosophy of life?"

"Hey, you're _Hakuna-Matata_ enough as for that to sound cynical."

" _That_ is a real and intelligent philosophy."

"'Real', sure; 'intelligent'—don't flatter yourself, Tori. I could tell you about several songs which teach the exact same thing."

She fumes silently.

I control my amusement enough as to wonder why is it so troublesome. "Why does it bother you?"

"I don't know…" She lies; I don't know how or why, but I can tell she isn't telling me everything.

I could ask her what's wrong, but I shut up and reflex silently instead.

We keep walking.

…

Noon turns into afternoon and afternoon morphs into evening. A short exchange of messages occurred between Tori and her mom earlier; and because of that we find ourselves still in the beach by the time the few stars that can be seen on the sky start appearing. I paid for some lunch and Tori for some late meal, enough to manage the day—advantages of being a girlfriend-girlfriend affair.

"Have you ever thought about what we look at, up there?" Tori sounds too dreamy for my liking, but her question does sound interesting.

"The stars, you mean?"

I look sideways at her. Her brown, bright eyes roll and reflect the shiny moon as her head turns this side and the other on the rough sand. Whose idea lying down on the now-dark beach was, don't ask me; I just know we're here right now, silently staring up; each of us digesting what each lived during today's "date"—though, I would hardly call it that. As usual we just walked around while talking about whatever thing crossed our heads; we avoided a couple dangerous conversations—which I couldn't completely comprehend—; among all these happenings, something distinguished our day, separated it from all others; and we finally picked a spot which felt like the loneliest place in the world. The only things we could discern at a distance were lights of boats and of stars; and the Moon, of course. And up above, I don't think I have ever noticed so much stars before.

"Uh-huh."

My mind rambles. It wonders if what I'm looking at in the sky isn't an isolate planet, or an indifferent galaxy… Perhaps it's a storm, just a menacing rain which floats through emptiness far, far away; far from now. Perhaps it's a gigantic Sun—hundreds of suns, just existing to divert my mind, to direct my decisions. It's almost too cruel a metaphor. The stars—those suns, planets, galaxies and so— are _always_ there. Sunlight often hides them, but they're always there; drifting slowly, almost imperceptibly through the space—never-moving from here.

Which of them should I follow?

Constellations, galaxies, millions and millions of stars—that's what life is all about. Lots of decisions to take, each as important as the other; none more important than the last. Lots of paths, which stand for lots of lives, lots of possibilities. Each star represents a different Jade. Some have me dressing pink and acting childishly. In some I'm most likely still dating Beck; in some I might not even know him. These representations, these _interpretations_ change, evolve. Each day the Sun stands for something distinct—the Sun is the biggest, most important representation, and its meaning changes with every decision I make.

I bet Tori would love to read all this, just in order to understand me better.

"I love you," she whispers suddenly.

I hold my breath.

"I love you, Jade."

I either unconsciously pretend I'm sleeping or else I just try to ignore her as much as I try to ignore the uncomfortable yet alluring feeling that spreads slowly through my insides—whichever, I don't say a word.

"I now realize it," she continues. "I don't need you to love me—God, I don't even know if I want you to acknowledge all this speech. I feel good just because I realized it. That's why all this bothered me so much—being in such a fragile position… But now I know, and I want to make you fall in love with me." I see her head lay sideways with the corner of an eye; she's looking at me. "Let me help you, Jade, let me help you fall in love with me."

Her body slides closer to mine. Her lips press against my cheek; not kissing, no: just _being_ there. I'm there, and she's there. And we're together.

 _Would it be so hard,_ I wonder, _to fall in love with this girl, would it be bad?_

Months long past now turn clearer. All those attempts at calling her attention… Perhaps I have always wanted to fall in love with her. Perhaps the real protagonist of all this relationship is me; the one who maintained it, and who gave it so much importance for both Tori and myself. Perhaps if I had acted the way Jade West would usually have acted toward someone such as Tori Vega she never would have taken me seriously; perhaps she never would have wanted to become my friend. Perhaps Tori has always been the girl who falls in love too easily, and because of that I made her fall in love with me—but none of that would ever make sense.

The only thing that makes sense, the only thing that has ever made sense is that Tori and I _work_ , and that's a guarantee I never had with Beck—the only other person with whom I have ever been romantically related before—. I could let myself be fooled, think that I have messed with Tori so much that I basically forced her into falling in love with me, or that she is the one who has messed up with me so much as to make me be in this position; but even if I was fooled by any of that, I could find no reason why I, Jade West, shouldn't accept falling in love with Tori.

But _am I in love with Tori?_ —that's the question of the century.

Regardless of what my philosophies or my ambitions are, I have never had such a good time as when I'm with her—and I feel like apologizing to Beck for making him waste so much time when I was going to end up thinking this—. So, yeah: I like spending time with her because she makes me laugh and because she makes me feel things I ignored I could feel and because she makes me want to change the things I had always called "part of my personality" and that in truth have only caused me lots of troubles. And I like her—God, I like her! I like her hair and her eyes and her hands, and her lips; and I like having her pressed-up against my body and holding her hands between my fingers and getting lost in her eyes when I think of the bad things in order to forget them.

"I love you, Tori."

She doesn't react whatsoever, but her arms squeeze me harder.

The night keeps getting older but I feel conscious of my youth as never before.

"Isn't it amazing," Tori whispers close to my ear, "to think that two months ago I thought you hated me?"

"Two months ago I probably thought so, too…"

"So, is it amazing, or what?"

I let her wait for a moment, trying to choose carefully my response. "I would prefer to call it fantastic."

We lay there for a long while. Planes cross through the sea of stars. Somehow I now am able to hear the ocean to my left, feeling it as if it was right next to me, when in reality it is yards away. Harmless clouds float above us, obscuring us—making us feel even more isolate. I like being here, with her alone; makes the whole concept of solitude more bearable, for it doesn't imply loneliness, just isolation—watch everything from afar, enjoy many unknown but often-unknowingly-bothersome details.

I have always despised cheesiness, the things people say when they "are happy". I once read or heard that people liked to "freeze the moment", as if they were very valuable. Now I understand—and I want to _freeze_ this moment; Tori and myself, and the ocean beside us, and the sand beneath us, and the sky above us, and the world around us.

And now I feel so disgustingly cheesy that I want to throw up.

It takes only a look at the girl in my arms to not only hold back the hot-dogs in my stomach, but to find a good justification as of why am I so fucking cheesy now.

"Wanna go home yet?" she asks a silent hour-and-a-half later.

"No need."

She chuckles and—by the sound of it— blushes. Her body shifts slowly until she's looking down at me, her elbows buried in the sand and holding her up. "What you wanna do?"

"I don't know." I shrug, smiling. "Kiss you."

She kisses me.

"I think you're dating someone else."

"How so?" It's amazing how well she reads my real meaning now.

"I'm not Jade, at least not the one you knew."

"Of course you are."

"Nuh-uh, I have changed — _You_ changed me."

Silence. "Hey, it's flattering and all, but I don't think you've changed a bit."

"Then?" I'm getting kind of annoyed. When one says stuff like that, one expects a "thank you"…

"I just know you from a different perspective— a closer perspective."

"That doesn't explain why I feel so different, though." I'm stuck between wanting to win the conversation and wanting her to explain her point further.

"Then you should go home and think about all this." Her tone is wary again. I wonder: did I say something wrong, or is it just my imagination and she's actually teasing me?

I don't answer a thing. She stands up and her face illuminates with light from her phone as she checks the hour.

"It's late," she mutters. Her eyebrows frown slightly, her mouth remains a bit ajar as she contemplates what I would guess are her messages. Her eyes look blindly at me. "Take me home?"

"Sure."


	5. ...or is it just confusion?"

I went to bed early after last night, tired of walking, talking, feeling and thinking. As early as it was by the time I arrived home, anyway.

Leaving Tori was relievingly uneventful. Both of us were still silently thinking about that last moment of doubt in her that seemed to have ruined the whole day. I still couldn't help but look at the sky from time to time while driving.

My mind is the sort of mind that likes thinking back to the thoughts it got to have a week before only to make fun of them and think "How stupid does a person have to be to think like that?" And so it is that, as I drove around the corner to her house, I wondered if it had been idiotic of me to think all those things about following the Sun and stuff.

I mean, the song _is_ a piece of art, but maybe McCartney didn't really intend for the song's meaning to be twisted into a sort of life philosophy when he first wrote it. And considering the fact that the song is supposed to be about a man crying because his couple doesn't treat him the way he'd like to be treated and threatening to leave her behind and keep running away whenever and wherever they might encounter each other again, it sounds sort of inappropriate to take it as an example to follow now that I'm in a stable relationship.

I parked in the driveway and got ready to exit the car, walk round it and help her out, when her fingers grazed my hand on the wheel softly. "It's okay," she said.

I sat back and locked my eyes to hers. There was silence for a few minutes.

The usual happiness in her eyes was opaque with a sort of unaffecting exhaustion, a slight reluctance I had never seen, and what I could only assume was sadness. I suppose my eyes had looked pretty much the same by then. That situation was still too fresh in our minds. The way her eyes suddenly went dark when I told her I had changed, her tone while telling me I had to think things over. The whole day had fallen down a metaphorical cliff.

"I don't want you to change," she finally whispered. She leaned over and kissed me. And then she left.

And I still can't figure out what the _hell_ is wrong.

I hate her.

No, I don't hate her… I _love_ her. It's all my fault, really… most likely, anyway. I mean, it _has_ to be. She's so perfect…

The first thing I hear from her when I wake up is a voice note she sent over before falling asleep. I was a thick piece of wood on my mattress by then, though, so I didn't see it until now.

 _"Hi,"_ it went on. _"I know it's late, and I guess you must be sleeping already…"_ A sigh fills the next couple of seconds. _"I guess I just wanted to tell you that I love you."_ A long silence stretches, as thick, I imagine, as the darkness in which her room must have been immersed; I picture her looking out at it, trying to think what to say. _"I know it angered you that I told you, but I think you're confused. I don't want you to change for me, because I love_ you _, all that you are… I hope you understand..."_ Another silence. I check just to see if it's over. That would be a terrible way to finish the night, I think to myself. _"I just thought that would be the worst goodnight ever,"_ she laughs. _"Well… I'll just tell you I love you again._ I love you, Jade. _"_

I feel my eyes warm up after that.

My face remains in a blush for the next ten minutes or so, as I repeat her message over and over, loving the way her I-love-yous make my stomach jump and turn as if the Cirque du Solei had gotten inside it.

I hate that she doesn't accept my I-love-yous, I hate that she makes me feel so confused when I could be basking in the happiness that loving her would provide, but I hate even more the fact that she's right. I shouldn't change just for her. I shouldn't change for anyone.

And that's the tricky part, I think, I haven't changed.

Tori and I… We became what we are in a very indecent way—we had sex on a Wednesday afternoon, inside a filthy school closet. The day after that, I had felt as if I had smoked a lot of weed before leaving home. Seeing Tori made me feel like that. And then we talked, and it was nice. I was different. I liked hanging out with her, and in the afternoon I wanted to take her home to fuck her again. And that I did.

And that second session—which was _much_ better than the first, by the way—was even more confusing.

I suppose it was then I finally came to realize I sort of had a crush on Tori… We became something then. I don't really know what we became, but we became something. We talked all the time, and we were together a lot at school. She came over to my house once that weekend; we enjoyed each other again…

We weren't a couple. I didn't like the idea of dating her. She looked like an overbearing girlfriend, and I wasn't even _interested_ in having a girlfriend. That was the first week. For the second weekend Tori somehow convinced me to take her out to dinner. She said she felt like a piece of meat coming over to my house just to have sex with me. I knew that was going to happen. And, though for my sake we both agreed it wouldn't be one, it was clear it would be our first date.

And Tori began to be a fun person to be around. I liked being around her before, of course, but that was mostly because I enjoyed bullying her…But I started liking her. _All of her_ , as she had said.

The rest, as they say, is history. We began dating, hanging out, liking each other. Every afternoon we spent it together, at her house or at my house, or having coffee somewhere, or eating, or watching some movie. We really didn't have a pattern. Even now, I have no idea if I will see her today.

The point is, I might not have changed at all.

For one single second I think of calling Tori. Then I notice it's half-past-noon, and it occurs to me that Tori hasn't as much as messaged me today, that I have spent the whole morning lying on my bed thinking, and that, unless something unexpected happens, I have the whole day to myself. I imagine she's giving me some space to "think about all this".

I listen to Tori's voice note another couple of dozens of times. And finally, I decide I'll try something on myself.

Slowly, silently, I sneak my way out of my room and down the stairs to the living room. I have to be very quick, I think to myself. I retrieve some movies from a drawer right beneath the flat screen, looking around and listening intently the whole time. When the mission is accomplished, I hurry back to my room. A TV is on inside Mom's room to my right as I make my way to mine at the end of the hallway.

Throwing the cases to the floor I land on my bed, looking upwards. My stomach grumbles.

"Shit."

More calmly now, I walk back out and make my way to the kitchen.

**...**

"So… How have you been?"

"Bored. Why don't you come?"

"I told you, Jade. I don't want to. You don't need me there."

"I hate you."

"You love me."

"…"

"…"

"Yeah, I do."

"Ha! I knew it."

"…"

"…"

"I saw _Toy Story_ today."

"You hate _Toy Story_."

"Yeah, it was a test. I _still_ hate it."

"Oh?"

"I saw _The Scissoring_ , too."

"That's a good combination."

"I love it."

"I'm having a _How I Met Your Mother_ marathon."

"I hate that, too."

"No, you don't. I saw your eyes all red the other day."

"You imagine things, Tor. That happens when you have so much ice cream."

"Whatever. Hey! I was surfing the internet this morning."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yes, and I read this article or something. It was about this guy, who had a sort of accident and almost died and stuff… Anyway, he, like, turned to religion while he was recovering and is now a priest or something."

"That's _real_ interesting, Tor."

"Wait, there's more. He was recalling how he was a despicable man not a year from when he was writing, right? Not going to church and always showing the middle finger to people. And he thought, like, 'How could I have changed so much in a year?' And he guessed it was an act of God and stuff…"

"Tori, don't worry. I understand."

"You do?"

"Yeah, you're turning Catholic, it's okay. I'm not accompanying you to church, though, so don't bother inviting me."

"Hahaha."

"…"

"No, I didn't mean that. I was just gonna say it's weird—"

"The way God acts? Well, he's amazing."

"No! Well, yes, I guess, but no. That's not what I meant either. You know how you couldn't stand to be around me a month ago? I think it's weird we haven't had the can-you-believe-you-used-to-hate-me talk."

"Well, I imagine we lost our chance when we had sex inside a school closet…"

"Jade!"

"You seriously want us to talk about it now?"

"Why not?"

"Need I remind you I'm supposed to be thinking just _how_ have I not changed during the process of us getting together?"

"Oh, c'mon, it could help you."

"Whatever."

"So, how do you think this happened?"

"I don't know, Tor. I suppose I just got to know you. I mean, of course it helped the fact that after having sex I completely had the hots for you. Otherwise, I doubt I would have been interested in talking to you further than before."

"Ow, you had the hots for me?"

"Put those eyebrows down this second."

"You're _so_ blushing right now, Jade."

"Shut up."

"I guess you'll want to know my reasons?"

"You kidding me? It's obvious. I'm beautiful, I'm hot. Besides, you've been wanting to date me since you first saw me."

"Hahaha, yes, yes, and no."

"Oh, come on, you know you did. You locked us inside a closet and threw water on yourself, Tori, you practically _for_ ced me into your almost-naked torso."

"Your excuses are _so_ lame."

"So, you going to tell me or…?"

"Sure! Sorry. Um… Well, now that I think about it, I guess it's the same for me. I… I never really saw you as anything more than a mean girl who was mad at everything. But… well, I'm a pretty curious girl. I always thought there was more in you; as in everybody."

"How do you mean that?"

"I like people, right? And I like getting to know people and understand them. And there's only so much you can tell about someone without really talking to them. I guessed it was like that for you as much as for anyone else. I was right: there's much more."

"God, Tori, you're _ter_ ribly cheesy."

"And you love it."

"Of course. One of us has to be… I'd never talk like that, not even in the face of armageddon."

"Yes, that wouldn't sound like you at all… But, well, besides all that, you _are_ pretty hot."

"I know."

"But I never saw that. I could notice you were very… _healthy_ , but I never really thought of you as sexy or anything."

"Same here… Well, all but for the 'healthy' part. I could see guys found you attractive, I just wasn't sure why."

"Has that changed?"

"A bit… So… when will we meet, Tori?"

"You tell me."

"I've been thinking."

"Good. It would be worrisome if you didn't think."

"Not funny, Tor."

"What about?"

"You know…"

"…"

"…"

"And?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too. We've established it."

"You… This will be sort of hard for me… Look, Tori. I'm not a nice person. _You_ make me a nice person, but I'm not. And… I don't think I've changed at all, you're right. Nor do I think I'll ever change. I will be a bitch until I die."

"I'm happy to hear that."

"But I don't think you understand what having you means to me. I repeat to you, Tori: _you_ make _me_ a nice person. Now, I don't mean to disregard him, but with Beck I never felt like that. I'm a total cold-hearted bitch, Tori, but my heart swells, hot and happy, when I as much as look at your face."

"…"

"So, yes. I'm a different person when I'm with you. And I don't mind that, not one _bit_. Because I love you."

"…"

"And I want to be with you, Tori. You make the clouds go away in the gray days so that the Sun can shine over me. Over us. I want to be the girl who wakes up in the morning knowing you will call her at some point during the day and spread your smile through the phone."

"…"

"And I love you, Tori. You hear that? I—love—you. And no matter what our plans for the future are or how they differ, I want to be with you now that I know I love you, and for as long as I feel that way. Because I don't want to wake up one day and think back at what I've left behind with you and feel sorry that I wasn't brave enough to give it a try."

"…"

"So, maybe I haven't changed at all, and maybe that's not a bad thing; but if I ever change, Tori, I want _you_ to be the cause of that change, and I want you to understand and be happy for me if that ever happens."

"…"

"Are you _cry_ ing?"

"You _lied_."

"Tori, I swear to _God_ , if you start again—"

"You said _I_ had to be the cheesy one."

"…"

"…"

"Want me to come over?"

"Absolutely."

**…**

"Why are they _here_ , Tori?" I grit my teeth. We're standing in the kitchen, listening as Cat rambles loudly from the living room.

"They wanted to hang out," Tori shrugs.

"Tell them to leave."

"No."

"I came to see _you_."

"And I'm with them."

Tori smiles and looks at me, leaning on the counter next to the fridge. Her eyes are defiant.

"I shouldn't like it when you do that," I whisper.

"But you do." Her smile is gigantic by now.

I groan.

Her attention switches back to the snacks she was preparing. I watch her silently for a minute. I think I will do this more often, watch her… Her tongue pokes out and gets stuck between her teeth from time to time. Her hips move slightly to some imaginary rhythm. And I hear her hum softly.

"Your forehead creases when you're worried," she says. Her eyes meet mine for a second, before going back to the chips she's pouring in a bowl. "I mean, your face is usually so smooth you can literally frown without a single wrinkle, but when you're worried, _really_ worried, your eyebrows sort of go up at the middle and your forehead creases."

I just remain half sitting on a counter, and look at her with my arms crossed as she moves around.

"I like it that I can see that. It helps me understand what you really care about."

Her voice is soft and casual, as if she was just telling me what she had for breakfast.

"I began noticing it when you had problems with Beck, back when you guys were together…"

The snacks ready, she went to get a soda from the fridge and plastic cups from a cabinet.

"Then, later, I saw it very often. It's as if, when you broke up with him, many things that usually weren't important began affecting you."

Behind me, I can hear Cat and Andre talk. But their voices are unimportant to me. They sound like mere remnants, as if I was underwater listening to them.

"And I saw it the day we… you know… When all this began."

She blushes slightly and finally turns to me. She has a small smile on her lips. I love it that her face is so symmetrical. I could place a mirror in the middle, and the reflection would look the same as the rest of her face.

"I saw it yesterday, too, when I woke up to find you sitting on the floor…"

She approaches me slowly. Her hands place themselves on my hips as soon as she can reach. I start to unfold my arms, and put my own hands on her shoulders.

"And again at night, while you drove us back here."

Her thumb strokes the bit of exposed skin at the end of my blouse. She hasn't stopped moving, her body keeps getting closer and closer as she leans forward. Soon our foreheads will be touching and I will be able to feel her breath on my lips.

"I bet I could have seen it today, as well. I could almost perceive it when we talked on the phone earlier."

The air between us smells like toothpaste now, as we share it. My arms are hugging her neck; hers are around my waist.

"And I saw it while you climbed down from your car when you arrived. I saw it through the peephole on the door."

I can feel her lips caress mine as she continues, now in a whisper.

"But it disappeared as soon as I opened."

She kisses me softly—oh, _so_ softly—and quickly—oh, _so_ quickly. I lean onto her, but she moves away giggling. We remain intertwined, though.

"And it's gone now," she finally whispers.

Her eyes are suddenly very bright. I return her stare silently for a second. And when I answer I'm whispering like her.

"And it will be gone forever, if forever I can look at you."

I don't know where it comes from. I don't know if I read it somewhere, sometime, I don't know if I heard her say it once or what. I don't know if it's truth, or if it's a lie. I don't know if I'm exaggerating and we'll break up in a month and part our ways forever. I don't know if it's what she wanted to hear, or if she even wanted me to say something.

But, the moment she kisses me, I know that's how I feel right now. And I know I would give anything and everything to be with her, to spend my whole life with her and have kids with her and make a family we can raise together. I know I don't care if I change or if she changes, as long as we do it together. And I know that, as stupid as it might sound, we'll follow the Sun together, or we'll let it go by together; I know we'll make choices that will change our lives and I know that we'll gain friends and we'll lose friends, I know we'll meet people and ignore people, I know we'll love life and hate life; and I know we will do all that together for as long as we can.

And maybe it won't last more than a month, or maybe we'll be together until one of us dies. Maybe we'll meet another person and fall in love without wanting to again. Maybe we will just fall out of love eventually as many do in the modern days. But maybe none of that matters, because the only thing that matters right now is that we're happy, and that we're together.

Tori kisses me deeply, and I kiss her deeply. And we make out in the kitchen without really giving a fuck that the rest of the guys are now silent in the living room, probably watching us.

When we break apart she looks like she's about to cry. I know I have already cried a little.

She separates from me, rubbing her face with the back of her hand. I grab a napkin and dry my eyes.

"Help me be a good host, will you?" she says after a moment, her voice louder than usual and trembling slightly. "Bring the chips," she adds walking away.

The rest of the afternoon walks as slowly as a kid walking into his school an Monday morning.

I remain in a state of stand-by until about the time Cat says she has to leave to help her brother with something. Andre leaves a bit later. It's still early when we're finally alone.

"Today was a good day," I say to her.

"You think?"

"Yeah."

"You see? And you wanted me to make them leave."

"That's not what I enjoyed."

She blushes.

"What do you wanna do?" she asks.

"Whatever," I say.

I take her hand and lead her out of her house and to my car.

And we drive into the night.

Fin.


End file.
